I played in a racquetball tournament this past weekend at Club Sport in Pleasanton. I lost both games I played (B-singles and A-doubles with Dorian). I didn’t play well, though I felt pretty good going into both matches. My arm was sore and giving me problems, but my shots were all over the place, especially in my singles match. I didn’t feel nervous, but perhaps I was too tight, too hyped up. Too something, unfortunately, because I could not put the ball away. And wow did I have opportunities to kill the ball. My opponent, a player named John, was all right, but I should have easily taken him down. I jumped to an early 4-1 lead, then lost 8 points in-a-row. Then another 4 or 5. I came back but lost the first game 10-15. I won the second 15-7, but lost the tie breaker 10-11. Really disappointing. It was difficult not to berate myself and feel horrible about the loss. I don’t like losing. It affects every part of me. It’s like the world has ended and there’s no more purpose to my life. It’s sick. I shook the man’s hand after the loss but did not look him in the eye and left the court right away. I was not a gracious loser and I really need to work on that. It’s hard though. For some reason, I’m invested in the idea that winning means I’m a winner and losing means I’m worthless as a person. That’s the crazy side of me talking. But after years of competing, this is how I am. The loss was a wakeup call in terms of what I need to improve with my racquetball game. I need to be a lot more consistent with my shots. I need to think more clearly and relax more. Take things a little slower. My doubles match the next day was better. I didn’t play as badly as I had the night before, but Dorian and I ended up losing a game we almost won against a good team who was not used to losing. We lost the first game 15-7, but won the second game 15-1. The tie-breaker went 11-8. A good contest. I’m glad we lost the game because my arm was really beginning to bother me. I’m taking the next several days off racquetball, playing two easy league matches Thursday and Friday (cake walk on Friday).
I have less than a month to try and win an entry into the 2007 WSOP. It’s not looking great for me. I haven’t really played in any tournament that allows me a direct buy-in into the tournament. I sometimes question my work ethic. It’s really slipped these past few years. Lots of room for improvement here. When I get stuck, I’m really stuck. Passion is a double-edged sword for me. I have a lot to be passionate about, but for some reason I get drained when I express too much emotion. I feel badly because I have an awful lot of negative emotions inside me. I don’t like hurting people, and sometimes I think I might say something I would regret later. I think that’s why I subdue myself. I don’t like breaking out and acting like an emotional train wreck. I’d look like Mike Matusow on speed. Scary.
I ran around the lake for the first time in years this morning. I was surprised at how easy it was. I actually need to lose about 10 pounds. I’ve put on weight and feel chunky around the middle. Not good!
Tonight I’m watching the season finale of 24, cleaning up, and getting my to-do list ready for tomorrow.