Lacking Enthusiasm

I was hoping to play in the FTOPS 1 tonight but I wasn’t able to win a seat. I spent $50 and $75 token to win a seat, but fell short. Totally card dead in the nl cash game and two ring games I played. Disappointing. Sometimes I haven’t a clue how to play Hold’em. By nature I’m a tight, patient, careful player who likes to trap. I occasionally pull off some bluffs, but its very rare. I usually don’t stick all my chips in unless I have something. But lately, especially online, I feel somewhat lost as to what to do. The AK hand that lost to K4 still stings. I’m just not sure how I get away from that hand given how things played out. After all, I did preflop raise. Maybe I check and bet small and keep the pot small. I don’t know. I tend to want to play big pots, but maybe there’s some value in keeping things small and getting opponents to think I’m weaker than I am. I just always seem to get screwed on the river though. I seems to happen more than it should, though I’m sure the stats are accurate and it happens exactly as much as it should. Still, I feel I’m not that lucky a poker player. Some players seem to walk on lucky water. I walk on fire and get burned to a crisp so much of the time.
I enjoy reading other poker blogs. The money the pros play for is so large compared to what I play with. I wonder if I’ll ever play for three- or four-digit bets. There’s something a little bit self-destructive about the life of professional poker players. They all seem a little crazy and irrational.
I’m having tremendous difficulty staying motivated. My motivation for writing has really dried up. I lack confidence and feel like such a failure. My scripts seem very average and not very interesting. I don’t know. I wonder what it will take to change that. I’m losing my belief in myself, and that can be such a crippling thing. Dr. Phil Z. warned me about these moods I can get in. It’s like a mild but debilitating depression that keeps me from staying motivated, even though I have so much to be excited about in life. I wish I could energize myself and stay happy.
What makes me happy? Vivaldi. Baroque music. Winning. Competition. Racquetball. Finishing To-Do lists. Being recognized for an accomplishment. Not feeling like a loser. In so many ways my life is set up for success. But for some reason, I stop myself from truly exploding with life. Perhaps if I can talk myself into getting motivated and excited about things, perhaps if I can keep the demons inside me at bay, I can break free from my own personal doldrums and lead the life I’ve imagined for myself all these years. I have self-knowledge. What I lack at the moment is discipline and motivation. There are two projects I want to complete in 2007: my apartment remodel and Don’s rewrite of “Prophet.” I want to accomplish these. Let’s get to it!