Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Don't Worry, Be Happy

I lessen my connection with life by stifling my emotions and downplaying my feelings. I disconnect myself from my feelings, and yet sometimes I can become so angry. I am able to reflect upon my mistakes and inabilities, of which there are so many, and yet what I am not very good at is acknowledging my successes. I don’t drink. This is a great accomplishment considering the family I come from. Everyone in my family drinks. Everyone. I come from a family of big drinkers. How they function day after day is truly beyond me. How the find the energy to get out of bed and work is staggering to me. I’ve never been a hard worker. I’ve always been good at structuring my day and completing small tasks, but when it comes to larger projects, I lose confidence, energy and feel drained. I’ve always been this way. I’ve never really learned how to feel comfortable feeling confident. I really am a very insecure person. Linda was good at picking apart my weaknesses and bringing them to the forefront. I think that’s why her parting words still haunt me. I don’t smile very much. In fact, my default face seems sullen and gloomy, a reflection, perhaps, of how I feel about myself. Given my past and upbringing, it’s not uncommon to feel worthless, lost and depressed. At least I know this about myself. It’s my comfort zone. I love being happy and excited and thrilled about life, and yet it’s not typical for me to feel this way. I think that’s why I’ve shortchanged myself all these years and played life so safe. I do play life safe. Poker helps bring me out of my safeness. I sometimes get angry with myself for calling hands that should have been folded because it would have been the safe thing to do. Safe is how I’ve lived my life, and look where it has taken me. Nowhere.

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