May Day

It takes about 20 minutes for me to wake up each morning. Then I have to motivate myself into being productive. Every day it's the same thing. Without the pep talk, I'm lazy and full of negative thoughts. It's a challenge convincing myself that I'm going to have a productive day. But my pep talk usually works.

I feel unlucky for some reason. This is one of the negative aspects of playing poker. I feel I have terrible luck at cards and always lose. I feel it's worse than it should be. If I have someone dominated, their overcard will hit. I know, every poker player feels they're unlucky.

I'm writing a lot lately. Lots of ideas have come into my mind. I'm really happy that Chris and I wrote and finished Deja Bride. I think it's a great script. I really like how it turned out. Our next project is Retro-Therapy. This one could be lots of fun. We're outlining ideas already. Out with the old script, in with the new one. Chris is feeling a great wave of creative energy. My goal is to get someone going with our screenplays so he can quit his job and write full-time. That's my mission. I also am ready to start publishing books and getting some of that ancillary gold heard people talk about last week in LA.

This morning I'm writing non-stop for one hour. 15 minutes on this blog, 15 minutes on my memoir, 15 minutes on Julia _____ and The Chapel of Chimes, about a girl who discovers a connection between life and death, and 15 minutes on the piece I'm writing for Chris.

Then I'm spend 15 minutes reading The Brain book, 15 minutes reading Harry Potter, 15 minutes reading Grandudes, and 15 minutes reading Selling for Dummies.

Then I'll spend an hour getting ready and zoning.

Then an hour prepping for poker for May. I didn't play a single limit hand in April. Too busy writing, and I needed a break from the awful March loss.

Mind Racing

My mind continues to race. So many ideas, plans, goals, hopes, dreams. It doesn't end. I don't know why I feel so energized after LA, but I do. Something striking has happened to me. I feel as if I can write anything without the typical obstacles. It's only a matter of time. I never used to think that. Deja Bride, I believe, unblocked me. It's as though I've come to believe if I can write a romantic comedy I can write anything. A memoir? A franchise collection? I decide what to write. I like that. I decide the tone, the characters, everything. In a way, it's good practice at directing. When push comes to shove I'm actually quite good at making decisions.

I can't believe I"m 44 years old. Where has the time gone? I have four scripts written, some of which are just waiting to be turned into novels. Bridging would make a good novel. Perhaps should write it.

I haven't played poker all month. I think I was so discouraged about last month's losses that I needed to take a break. It's good that so much of my energy has been focused on writing. I'm also planning to just study poker. I have such bad luck at the game. It's comical how bad my luck runs. I feel I just don't know how to play that game sometimes beyond playing like a caveman.

I have to get the Nichol thing out. I've heard comedies don' t win the Nichol, but it's worth a shot anyway. I've never even made the quarters in that contest.

My memoir. I'm thinking about some of the things to write in it. All relationship, girl stuff. My obsessions and passions and contradictions. While it's stil a memoir, I do have to create a character for myself. My true self? What is my true self? Good question. Sometimes I don't know. Full of self-loathing but also self-delight. I hate losing, that much is true. I've never been a good loser. I take it so personally. I'm better minutes afterward when the bloodletting stops.

I sent out three follow-up letters today. Of course, I didn't hear from any of the managers and agents who got the one-page. I wasn't really expecting that. I wonder if they even read them.

We'll see if anyone responds to the letters I wrote. Chris's contact Hart Hansen may prove promising.

Trip to LA

I went to LA with Chris last week. I met several agents and managers in the film business. They were instructive in offering advice about how to get a script optioned and sold in Hollywood. Chris and I are on the right page in terms of what we're writing. High concept comedies and romantic comedies that are well-written. I think that's what it will take. We went to LA through the Sherwood Oaks Experimental College. The organization was awful, but the people we met were great. I have a clearer vision as to what I need to do. Write more, read more, watch more movies, stay on task. I have lots of ideas I'm shooting around in my head.

Chris and I are writing a new script called Retro Therapy. I also want to write a memoir/romantic comedy book that sort of explains who I am, what I am the way I am, etc. I think it could be good. I also want to put together a franchise young adult collection set at Chaple of the Chimes. I'm considering various ideas now. I'd like it to be a page-turner like da Vinci Code and 24.

It's impossible to squeeze everything I'd like to do in one day, but I will try. I'm interested in all sorts of things.

A Weekend of Poker

I learn more about poker each time I play. Over the weekend, I played around 15 tournaments, some satellites and a few SNGs. I usually get my money in with the best of it, but I seem to suffer 2-,3-and 5-out syndrome on the turn and river. It's tough. I'm getting good as just accepting my fate and moving on, though at times it's hard. One thing I notice about my play is I don't fear getting knocked out on the bubble. I'll go for something when I feel someone's making a play at me. I play almost exclusively at PokerStars. Lots of tournaments, good players and and lots of good deals. I won $300 in a 10,000 FPP tournament that had $2 million in payouts. I like that. First prize was $200K. I got knocked out with 99 v AK. A king on the turn. Oh well. That's poker. I felt I played pretty well over the weekend. I didn't make too many mistakes, and many of the hands played themselves. I'm still waiting for a sizeable win. Hasn't really happened yet.

Feeling Pressure and Hearing Those Damn Voices

Poker over the weekend was frustrating. I don’t have a very large bankroll at the moment, and I keep losing. My attitude is also really hurting my game. The pessimistic, “I’m so unlucky” part of me has thrown all kinds of doubt into my game. I focus on all the unlucky beats that happen to me, and seem somewhat lost in a hand. Rather than pay attention to the players and their beating patterns, I play too many games at once and don’t completely focus on what is happening at the table.

Therefore, I’m going back to poker basics. Relearning the game from the ground up. Rereading some of the books I’ve read, and also start paying attention to just one game at a time. I need to increase my bankroll before I can multitable at PokerStars again (unfortunately).
I’ll continue with the freerolls and play as many as I can. I’m not thinking through my decisions as much as I should.

Gavin Smith told Doyle Brunson the single most important paragraph about poker is sometimes taking the worst of it in certain spots because you picked up all those small pots at little risk.
There are lots of exceptional poker players nowadays. My current records are not very impressive. I’ve never won a big tournament with any big money. And I sure could use a win right now.

I am going to create a Word file of a poker log, along with an Excel file of my poker performance. I’ve been too careless with my poker logs. I’m not taking my results seriously enough. I understand maximizing time, but I also think it’s important to play few tables at once, especially no limit, which is so much harder than limit.

There is a way to win at this game, but it takes patience, commitment, discipline and stamina. It also takes money. I can really improve my game, but I have to get serious, stay humble, and not let my emotions get the better of me. Play to win, both in poker and in life.

I was very depressed yesterday, and it’s true that I’m starting to feel the pressure of not having much money to fall back on; however, I do feel energized today and look forward to playing poker and studying tonight.

Swimming in the Ocean

So much swimming in my mind. An ocean of ideas, thoughts, to-do lists, tasks to complete. My mind can get that way. Never enough time to do what I want to do. Way too many outrageous chores. Between poker and screenwriting there’s not much time left for other pursuits. And yet I keep pursuing.
Super Tuesday was last night and it seems no questions were answered. We’re still where we were the night before. Not knowing is starting to make me nervous. I’d hate to see a chaotic convention in Denver. I fear the desire to win may trump the best intentions of the party. I see both sides to the Clinton Obama choice. Both make sense. I’m with Obama, but more importantly, I want to win in November. I don’t know what I’d do if a Republican president won in ’08. It would make no sense to me, much like the past 8 years have made no sense to me.
Screenwriting, poker, dating, email blogging, watching TV, reading, walking the dog, eating, work, chores. It never ends.
My cash flow is about to run dry soon. I need a big poker win to start paying for all the trips I’m taking this year. Money, money, money...

New Month, New Goals

I was very productive in January. I usually am. Once my shingles cleared I was able to focus on my exercise routine, screenwriting, poker, and connecting with friends and family.

Chris visited me over Martin Luther King Jr. weekend. We spent the weekend writing our script Deja Bride, caught a few movies, and enjoyed each other’s company the way we always do. He’s so much fun and makes me laugh all the time. A truly hysterical character. We caught a debate between the Democratic candidates and he started to get caught up in the exciting contest. He and I hope to have a working draft of our script completed by the end of February. I think that’s a totally realistic goal. I have high hopes for this script. We need to do a far better job at marketing ourselves, however. This will take work, but I think there are lessons from Barack Obama that I can use in my own life. Confidence without arrogance. Win them over with charm and wit. I can’t say enough about that strategy.

Poker. Frustrating and not very profitable this month. My mindset was not good for poker. I constantly feel as though I’m going to lose hands. That’s not how I should play this game. My tough-mindedness gave way to indecision and defeat. I lost $108 accumulating FPPs on Poker Stars. I’m down $550 since December at $1/2. Not the end of the world, but certainly disappointing. This game is a mind game like no other. I have a lot to learn and study, even four years into this endeavor. My day will come. Why not tonight! I caught a few PokerXFactor videos and studied their patience, their calculations that go into pushing all in, calling or folding. I think my best game is in the tournament sphere, though I have still not won a big tournament yet. With the increased FPPs I’m winning, I should be able to buy into several of these $215 tournaments down the road. I’d also like to buy into some World Series of Poker satellites, too. I’ll study those videos and do what I can to win a seat again. That will be my top priority online this year. I also want to check out satellites for the Shooting Stars tournament. I need to earmark time for more live play, especially tournament play. I always seem to be stuck in small limit mode. Not fun.

I came back from Kansas City today. I spent the weekend there with mom at Jill & Chris’s. Jill’s second child Hayden spent a week in the NICU because he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. The baby was released this morning, much to Jill’s relief. It was an enjoyable weekend. I stayed with Jill two nights at the hospital. The room was comfortable. Jill had been an emotional mess throughout the week, but I think my presence with her at the hospital calmed her down. It was nice hanging out with her for a few days.

China: I have to start preparing for this incredibly expensive but exciting trip. It’s going to be expensive, but I’ll figure out a way to pay for it. I really need to win at poker eventually. I do win live, but he rake is so much at the card clubs in Oakland. Playing $3/6 is hardly worth it, and playing larger stakes requires a larger bankroll. That’s my catch. Playing tournaments at Poker Stars will help.

My February goals have been written. I am determined to have the most successful month of my life starting now!